Oh man. Lately I have really been feeling the pressure to win this upcoming comp. This is crazy because I just started this sport like 10 minutes ago, and I was doing it just to have fun and because my boyfriend wanted to do it, but all of a sudden people are telling me I should dominate the events and being go into the competition with a winning mindset.
This should be super positive and make you feel really good, right? Maybe they weren’t saying it because it was true, but just to encourage me to do my best and not be so anxious about training, right? Maybe they’re telling everyone the same thing?
Maybe. But my brain doesn’t work like that. And I was starting to fall apart. I gave up doing anything competitive years ago since I spent my whole childhood in competitive environments with a huge impetus to win everything. This old but new experience ended up in multiple teary, snotty meltdowns about how I don’t want the whole experience to hinge on winning. That’s not what it’s about for me and never has been. I just want to go and kick my own butt and cheer for everyone around me and watch B smash his own goals. It is a very weird feeling to feel external pressure to win, but not have the same internal drive.
Don’t get me wrong, winning would be awesome. Obviously. I’m not a total weirdo. But winning is like icing on the cake. If my best happened to be enough to take out a competition, then sweet. But all I want to do is my absolute best and see what I am capable of. Breaking a couple of PBs would be amazing. Meeting some new awesome strongmen and women would also be awesome. But if I think I’m going to win, and I go in there to win, and then I don’t win, what am I? What do I have? Have I wasted 4 months to end up filled with disappointment after what should be a really happy day?
I kept trying to remind myself why I was there, and why I want to do this, and tried to block out what everyone else around me said, but it was hard. It was literally keeping me up some nights going round and round in my head.
Then I got a virus. Wasn’t able to do my last 2 training sessions before deloading. Anxiety set in. I won’t be good enough. I didn’t get one last go on the event equipment. I don’t know how many stones I can do in a minute. I’m going to be deconditioned.
Then the competitor’s list got released. And you know what? There are people on there that are absolutely amazing, beasts if you had ever seen them. Meanwhile some of my training buddies have hit new PBs since I’ve plateaued out. And, oddly, that took the pressure way off. Now I feel like I can focus on enjoying the comp as much as possible and doing it for the right reasons. I don’t think I can logically win, so now, in my mind, I don’t have to. Doesn’t mean I’m not going to give it my absolute best, but I don’t want the whole day to rest on my ultimate placing. If I come last but I did my best, then how can you be mad about that??
5 days to go.