This is kind of an emotional post for me. I said in the About Me section part of this would be little bit about my mental and emotional journey. The physical stuff is great because you can SEE progress all the time, right there in the numbers. The mental stuff is a little harder to figure out if you’re making headway.
When I first started strongman, for about two weeks, I was on a high. This sport was THE SHIT. I was seeing all these gains in my strength, and holy crap I was lifting things I never dreamed I would.
Then all of a sudden my brain got in the way.
I started to think I probably shouldn’t do this anymore. My endo will come back some day. After my first surgery it was back in less than 12 months, it had already been 5 months since my surgery, it was only a matter of time now. I didn’t want to set myself up to work so hard for something only to have it taken away from me by debilitating pain and surgery again. Really we started strongman for B, so maybe I should just let him do it and stop trying to get in the way?
In the end I had to make a decision. IF my endo comes back within 12 months (which the doctor assures me it shouldn’t, but so did the last one, so I’m sceptical) then what kind of 12 months do I want that to be? Do I want to sit around and wait for it to come back and then when it does say “I knew it”? Or do I want to have a badass-awesome 12 months, kick butt and smash goals and when it comes back say “I did everything I could and it was totally worth it”?
I chose the latter.
This has really lit a fire in my belly for two reasons: because I am LOVING strongwoman (it makes me feel strong and sexy and capable), and because I want to make the most of the time I have. Yes, sometimes I probably train a little too much (though most of my training sessions are kept under an hour) and I might go for a 1RM a little too often, but I was stuck basically on my couch for eight months. I would drag myself to work most days and bring myself home and that was the entirety of my life. Some days I really just wished I would die because I couldn’t deal with the pain and feeling so helpless. And I don’t feel that way anymore! That is so liberating and it brings tears to my eyes to say it. I AM LOVING LIFE!
I wake up every day excited to train, to see my amazing strong(wo)man friends, to watch B smash through his own expectations of himself and surprise everyone around him, to feel the burn and the pump of a great session, to eat food that nourishes my soul and makes me feel good. Yes I have incurable conditions, but to hell with them, there’s only so much I can control, but I’m going to be the best version of myself that I can be right now.